"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?"
- Lao Tzu
Your child breaks something. Do you:
1. React? You have told them too many times to be careful, so you get angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, and not making anything better, OR
2. Respond? You notice your anger and frustration, but you pause, take a breath, and consider the situation.
courtesy Zenhabits.net
More times than I’d like to admit, I’ve reacted to situations without thinking. Sometimes my reaction was based on fear, frustration, fatigue, or something else. On a frazzled day when my three lively boys were young, I might have reacted instantly to a request and said no without thinking. On a better day, I would have listened, considered the situation and responded thoughtfully, perhaps with humour. The answer may have been the same, but the outcome was entirely different. When I remembered to pause and breathe before responding, all of us ended up happier, more contented, feeling that our needs had been considered.
The distinction between reacting and responding applies in all situations, whether with co-workers, family members, traffic tie-ups, and more. There will always be situations that annoy us, and we always have choices about our responses.
With the alarming and ever-changing situation regarding Covid19, I am trying to practise responding, rather than reacting to each new piece of information or advice. By doing so, it helps me remain calm and rational, while staying informed.
One tool that helps me respond instead of reacting, is disciplining myself to pause and pay attention to how my mind is processing a situation while it is happening. This is what works for me:
1. Observe. I pay close attention to how my mind reacts at the time.
2. Pause. I pause, reminding myself not to react.
3. Breathe. I stay in pause mode for a count of one or two breaths, maybe more.
4. Analyze emotions. What am I feeling?
5. Analyze reactions. Is it worth acting on those feelings? Maybe it is, maybe it is not.
6. Look for alternatives. Is there a more constructive way to respond?
Watching my breath and paying attention to how my mind is reacting gives me time to assess the situation calmly, and therefore respond more constructively than I might have done if I’d reacted quickly.
This is a practice. We are not always good at things the first time we try them. Don’t worry if you mess up (You are human. You will mess up!) but keep practising. With practice, we get better at this. Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, productive response.
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